One. 365 days. & yet, it feels like I just blinked. I know that's what most momma's say about their babies turning one, but it's probably because it rings true for so many of us. Like yesterday, I remember the smell of room 211 and the sound of a little heart thump-thumping through the monitor and flooding the room with the sound of its perfect rhythm. It feels like yesterday. Maybe even this morning. And yet, it's been a year. & oh what a year it has been. Lots of highs and lots of lows, and lots of memories in between. Your first moments of life were incredible. For so long I felt your long legs push and nudge against me as you tried to get comfortable, and I wondered who you'd be. At 12:22 am, as I saw you stretch and yawn and snuggle into me, I started to learn just who you were. I just had no idea what was ahead for us or all the things you would teach me over the next year.
In a word, the first few months were rough. A few weeks in, I started feeling the pressure & I knew something wasn't right. It felt different. I felt different. & it was a reality I have been very reluctant to admit. I'm sure it's something lots of momma's are very reluctant to admit. But the facts remain. & the feelings are hard to shake. I felt off. Disconnected. I thought it was you. All the changes we were going through. A move. A deployment. A new baby. But it was me. Oh baby, it was me. And for every day that I've been better, I wish I could do it over.
For you.
For us.
I would hold you more. & snuggle you in closer. & really appreciate your newborn smell. But it was something that I just couldn't do then. I can't get those moments back, but I can make now better. Now I carry you a little longer. I hold tight to the moments we get to snuggle in your chair right before bedtime. I breathe in your almost one year old smell. I melt at the sound of your laughter. I savor all the little things you do and wonder if I missed anything before. There are so many things about you right now that I never want to forget. The way your nose crinkles up & how your eyes get all squinty when you laugh. Or how the only way I can keep you on your changing table long enough for me to change your diaper is to give you a wipe to keep you entertained. How you stick out your tongue when you decide you're all done with dinner. & how even after it all, your face lights up the moment you see me.
I am one blessed momma to have you. Thank you for teaching me more about being a momma - your momma - than I ever thought you could. My sweet, sweet girl. You amaze me. You have a beautiful heart & a warm smile that washes all my worries away & let's me know we're gonna be great. You're going to be great. & I know you will do great things. I love you, little bee.
Forever & ever,
Momma
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Aw this made me cry. I remember feeling this SO keenly when Bella turned two. Our lives were in such upheaval, everything was such a mess for so long. I felt like I'd missed a lot.
ReplyDeleteBut just the fact that you think this, that you wrote it, and that you're making an effort to remember it all now - means that even in the thick of it you did then. You just might not have been as aware as you are now. ((hugs))